A Different Path
DreamingWolf
This particular piece was 'tucked away' carefully,
because it is something very private, and in many
ways, still very painful to share. Some believe that
all change, for good or ill, comes with a price, and
I know from personal experience that is true.
Four years ago, while struggling to keep my marriage
alive, my husband came to me with a question. He had
been visiting various websites, and chat rooms on
IRC, a chat program quite popular for internet users.
He asked how I felt about 'D & s', and the question
puzzled me, because I had never heard of the phrase
before. He went on to explain that D and s, or D/s,
meant Dominance and submission, and further indicated
an interest in persuing His Dominant side. He asked
if I would consider becoming his submissive. For me,
this was a lifeline, a possible way to make my marriage
work after all. I agreed, and He collared me, though
not in a formal ceremony of any kind. In fact, O/our
first wanderings in the Lifestyle were at best, comical.
While I tried desperately to be a good submissive
for Him, something felt "wrong", though
I couldn't determine why. W/we travelled to various
IRC channels, speaking with others about the Lifestyle,
and their respective parts within it. I learned much
from quite a few 'sisters', and while I completely
understood their perspectives, and respected them,
I still couldn't seem to 'submit' to my Husband's
wishes at moments.
O/our journeys soon led us to a chat room where W/we
met LordHawk* and His sub, dove{LH}. As sometimes
happens in online relationships, they parted company,
as she had concerns that she had voiced to my Master/Husband
that he confronted her Master with. It struck me as
odd that as soon as He left the room, angry that she
had betrayed His confidence, she simply removed her
collar (by changing her nickname) and went on as if
nothing had happened. A week later, my Husband collared
her with a protection collar, and arrangements were
quickly made for her to visit U/us, to teach me how
to be a better submissive.
To say that the visit was a disaster is a gross understatement.
dove from the first moment 'took over' my home, often
usurping my place as not only His submissive, but
as His wife. I bit my tongue as long as I could, doing
everything possible to make Him happy, including submitting
to a threesome one evening that left me with a knot
in my stomach. After the 3rd day, I finally had enough,
and demanded that she leave and return to her own
home. My Husband drove her to the airport, and she
flew back to her home. She was not home more than
20 minutes, when she appeared online, still proudly
wearing His collar, and proclaiming that He had denounced
me, and was in love with her. He did nothing to confirm
or deny this, simply kept His mouth shut and W/we
remained in miserable silence. Ultimately she "removed"
her collar, and I did not hear from her for some time,
until a friend encouraged me to visit her site. There
on the main page, was her 'subbie bio', with the name
"wren{K}". My heart went to my feet as I
realized that she was still wearing my Husband's collar,
only with a different name. The Irish swiftly came
up, and I keyed out an angry email, demanding to know
why she still wore my Husband's collar when she claimed
that she was no longer His. I was quite honest in
indicating that I felt that someone was lying to me.
Before I sent the email, I showed it to my Husband,
begging Him to tell me if He still had her collared
to Him, so that I would not make a fool of myself.
He insisted that He knew nothing of why she wore the
collar still, so "Send" was clicked and
the email went to its destination.
The
next morning, my email was filled with emails from
wren. Seventeen if I remember correctly, all logs
and discussions that my Husband had held with her,
including the 'ceremony' where he collared her in
secret, naming her wren. My heart went cold, and I
rose from the computer desk to go to O/our bedroom,
where he lay. As soon as I confronted Him with the
truth, He rose, saying He would leave, but I refused
to let Him. For an hour, all the pain, the resentment,
and anger was released, and I made Him listen to it
all. He apologized, and after reading the emails,
emailed her demanding to know why she had betrayed
Him. She responded that she was 'testing' Him, which
made us both realize that her claims that I was not
submissive enough were hypocritical, as her actions
did not denote the level of submission she claimed
I should hold. He released her, and we had no further
contact with her, though she would 'haunt' us from
room to room, attempting to ruin O/our reputations
with her stories.
For
the next year, the roller coaster continued, and somewhere
along the way I removed my collar to Him, since I
could no longer trust Him. He collared another submissive
online, then lost her when she went offline for personal
reasons. My Husband then met another collared submissive
online, who was hoping for RL from her Master. They
parted ways, and I thought it odd, when He emailed
me warning me that his ex-submissive would do anything
for RL, and since my Husband was yet again showing
interest, the fear rose to the surface once more.
He did collar her, and I was not allowed to be there,
since she wanted 'her time' with Him to be special.
I raged at this, but my Husband would not bend or
yield. I had found an online Master, who was gentle
and loving, and He collared me online, teaching me
a more loving and more trusting side of the Lifestyle.
He too was furious when I was not permitted to attend
the collaring ceremony, and spoke rather harshly to
my Husband, who simply "shrugged" and said
that his pet did not want me there.
O/our
real life took a turn for the worse when we lost our
apartment and my Husband's job was not going well.
My Master suggested that W/we start anew in another
state, and offered to open His home for U/us while
we got on O/our feet. After discussing it, and much
thought, my Husband agreed, saying I should go first
and get started, that He would give notice at His
job, and tie up the loose ends before joining me.
As it turned out, I was the 'loose end'. Two weeks
after my arrival in Washington, my Husband 'disappeared.'
His work phone was terminated, and no one knew where
He had gone. Desperate to find out what had happened,
I logged into his hotmail, and found all the evidence
of His betrayal. He had, instead of coming to join
me, flown to Michigan, which is directly below the
town that His online submissive lived in Canada. My
mother received a letter "apologizing for the
deception" and telling her that He had sent me
a letter as well.
The
letter arrived, full of excuses and hints of blame
to me. "I realized when I looked in the mirror
I was looking at a stranger," was among the things
He said in the letter. His family had lied to me when
I contacted them, desperate to find out where He was,
as had his best friend in the town where we had lived.
I was left alone, stranded in a state where I knew
no one, with no job and very little money. My children
had been taken to South Dakota for a summer visit
with their grandparents, and shortly after the 'revelation',
I had to make an emergency rescue, since my in laws
could no longer take care of three rambunctious children.
Upon my return back to Washington, I lived in a homeless
shelter for nearly six months, and my children went
into counseling to counter the trauma they had suffered
at the hands of their grandparents. My daughter suffered
from night terrors and nightmares, reliving the frequent
spankings with a belt for trivial offenses. My oldest
son fought with anger issues and issues of guilt,
since "Daddy" had told him to take care
of his brother and sister while he was gone.
All
of this pain and heartache stretched out over the
short space of two years. It was in 1996 that I was
first introduced to the Lifestyle, and it was in 1998
that my marriage ended in deceit and lies. I discovered
why I felt so awkward as a submissive, even under
the loving care of my Master in Washington. I discovered
why I railed so strongly against being told how to
run My life, and what to do in it. The mask of a submissive
fits badly over the face of a Domme, and it was through
the gentle guidance of a friend, who became My submissive
for a short time, that I found out who I truly am.
Change indeed does come with a price. But though the
change was painful, I am grateful for it. I could
not have remained married to my ex-husband, and eventually
the marriage would have torn itself apart regardless,
and perhaps would have left me in more dire straits
than I was when I came to be where I am now. If I
had remained in my hometown when the marriage ended,
I would not have had the career opportunities that
I have now, nor would I have met My life's mate, WarHawk.
Shortly after my divorce became final, my ex-husband
married the submissive that he had fled to Michigan
for. It took me nearly two years to trust again, when
I swore I would never give my heart to another. WarHawk
came across my path, nearly as wounded as I, and questioning
if He could give His heart to another after it had
been so horribly mistreated. We have helped each other
heal, and in that healing have found a greater strength
in one another. I now know who I truly am, and I am
more aware of what I want for my life. You may believe
the phrase "Things happen for a reason"
to be trite and meaningless. I have found it to be
very true, and have found that even the darkest clouds
hold a ray of hope.
©2000, 2001 DreamingWolf
|
